I made friends with another mom at my daughter’s gymnastics class and even though they’re 5 years old and it should be recreational, I can already tell how overly competitive other parents are. The other mom is constantly asking me about future plans, what level I want her to train to and more. It’s become stressful because each conversation feels like a competition. How can I gently step away, and not let the over-competitive parents get to me? —Lacey, 32, West Virginia Lea Geller: I think I wrote an entire novel about competitive parenting just so I could talk to you about this! I’d be grateful for this gymnastics mom because if you master the skill now of handling overly-competitive parents, you will be sent for the next 15 years, at least! I have never had a child in gymnastics (I’m pretty sure my genetic makeup has guaranteed that not one of my children could ever properly do a cartwheel), but I have met my fair share of competitive mothers. The first thing I’d say is that these mothers do a sort of mating dance to determine who the other competitive moms are. They make statements about teams, squads, tutors and rankings and wait to see how you will react. This is your first opportunity to set some boundaries. I firmly believe there is a wide range between a slacker mom and a tiger mom, and you can find someplace in between the two and happily occupy it. When this mom launches into her mating dance, you don’t need to pretend you don’t care about gymnastics or your daughter’s future, and you definitely don’t need to go toe to toe with her. I’d just say, “they’re young, this is about having fun, burning off some energy, and making friends.” You might have to say it a few times, and maybe even smile politely and walk away, but I promise this mom will move onto someone whose eyes widen with fear and competition when she starts talking about the future plans of a 5-year-old gymnast. As for letting it get to you, I find that with all forms of competition, the happier you are with your life and choices, the less likely you are to let someone like this live rent free in your brain. I think the same should apply to your kids. If you focus on your child and her happiness and ask yourself – is she having fun, is this rewarding for her—you’ll be fine. If, at some point, you see that your child isn’t happy and gymnastics has stopped working for her, you may feel yourself getting pulled in by all the competition—and that may be the signal that it’s time to move on to something else. The other part of your question is—can you be good friends with a mom who competes on this level about her children? It may be a controversial answer, but I don’t think so. You would not necessarily date – or marry – someone who had a fundamentally different view of the world than you, and the women you surround yourself with in these intense parenting years are incredibly important. I think we’ve all learned this past year and half that the people we have in our close circle really matter, and parenting is easier and more manageable when you have a team of support, especially if that team sees the world similarly (not exactly) as you do. I don’t think you need to agree on everything – nobody does, and certainly not today. But the kind of parent who is envisioning an Olympic medal ceremony before her daughter has started kindergarten might also be the kind of mom who is also competitive about which elementary teachers you get, which after-schools your children do, and later, which AP classes, test tutors and college counselors you snag. What seems uncomfortable now, may be unbearable later. If it were me, I’d take note and keep some distance. If you’re wrong and this mom is only competitive about gymnastics, maybe you can move back in. If not, consider yourself lucky. I don’t mean to say that you can’t spend time with these moms, or even enjoy their company (sometimes competitive moms throw the best parties because you know, competition), but they won’t be your people. Your people will understand that for 99 percent of kids, gymnastics is a way to have fun and be active. They will understand that piano and violin lessons don’t mean your child is a musical prodigy but rather that music makes everything a little bit better, and some skills are easiest when learned young. They will understand that who takes AP Physics, who is in honors math, who got invited to a certain party, who made travel soccer, all of it will eventually be irrelevant and focusing on what makes you and your family happy is really the answer. Find those people and stick with them. Catch up on all our Novel Advice columns here.
